The Birds and the Bees
by CrazyTeddyBear
Summary: Matsumoto and Kyoraku find yet another way to harrass Hitsugaya, this time it's an attempt to explain the Birds and the Bees to the child taicho. Non-pairing story.


**A/N: So this idea popped into my head because I had the horrible fate of having homework for health class. In an attempt to **_**not **_**watch what I was having to write down I started watching Bleach, saw the usual Rangikou vs. Hitsugaya faceoff and then nearly killed myself laughing when the two merged together. You've probably read the summery, so you know what this is about. Enjoy, and please leave a review if you do****. This is not a Hitsugaya/Rangikou pairing story. ****I also must warn you, up until now my stories have been relatively dignified, and there hasn't really been all that much idiocy in them. However, for those of you expecting the same feel that I must warn that this story is my first attempt at humour. If it goes badly, at least you have been warned.**

**The Birds and the Bees**

**Rangikou POV**

I was bored, completely and utterly bored. Even my Zanpakuto was bored; Haineko had fallen asleep hours ago. I had no idea why my Taicho had to be so mean. He's ten times more powerful than me, so shouldn't he do ten times more paperwork than me? I need to think of something fast, or I'm going to die from boredom. Absentmindedly I picked up the next form; it was a supply requisition form that I needed to fill out for the female members of the squad. We were running out of stuff for that time of the month. I wondered idly why _I _was always the one who had to fill out this kind of stuff. Taicho had to understand it just as well as me right? Why couldn't he do it?

Another thought popped into my head; what if my innocent little Taicho just didn't know?

I started giggling uncontrollably at the thought. My Taicho might be all powerful, but sometimes he is such a _little kid._

"Matsumoto." he said irritably, "I don't know what you find so funny, but I can guarantee it's not whatever form you're holding in your hand. You only have a few sheets left. Finish them off and then we can both be done for the day."

I would need help with this plan, another Taicho at least. If I were to try and discuss this with him flat out then he'd just grab Hyorinmaru, freeze me and run. I rushed through my paperwork, going so quickly and efficiently that he actually looked at me suspiciously, "Matsumoto, what are you planning?"

"Nothing, I'm just excited that I'll get to go out drinking tonight without having you breathing down my neck!" I said excitedly, and he rolled his eyes and leaned back into his chair.

"I wouldn't breathe down your neck if you weren't constantly running off when I need you here. I don't care what you do as long as it doesn't get in the way of your duties." he said, irritated again. I knew he wasn't that mad; he hadn't gotten that adorable little eyebrow twitch yet.

I finished up in record timing and darted off before saying another word. I was going to need help with this, and there were only one person I trusted to help me with something this serious.

I was going to go find the Captain of Squad Eight.

My reasons were actually quite simple, I needed a Captain to help me, and I was almost a hundred percent positive he was the only one who would. Everyone else would just look at me like I was insane, and then run off to tattle to Hitsugaya, who would no doubt be completely infuriated.

And then I would be doing paperwork for the rest of my long, long life.

With Kyoraku's help I would at least be able to run if I needed to.

I walked over to his office in the Eight division's barracks. Knocking respectfully, I wasn't all that surprised when Nanao answered it. If anything, the fukutaicho of the eighth squad was even stricter than Hitsugaya. "Kyoraku Taicho is busy right now." She said firmly.

Then again, unlike Hitsugaya, Nanao occasionally got into a prank or two. She never used to, but the Shinigami women's association could corrupt just about anyone. Even innocent little Nanao.

"I needed his help explaining something to Hitsugaya." I explained.

"Like what?" she said.

I bent down and whispered in her ear, "I noticed how the supply requisition forms for girls stuff somehow always ended up on my desk. I know this might sound odd, but I think that that's happening because Hitsugaya-Taicho doesn't really know what they mean. I mean, he wasn't really in Rukongai long enough for someone to explain it to him, and the Shinigami academy kind of works on the assumption that its students know what it means. He's been able to slip right past all the normal places where it would be explained."

Nanao pointed at me accusingly, "You're just doing this to get out of paperwork."

"Nope!" I said cheerfully, "My paperwork is all done."

"Well, his isn't." she said, pointing to Kyoraku. Or rather, where she thought Kyoraku was.

He was mysteriously absent.

Nanao gritted her teeth, "Fine. You help me drag him back here by the ear, and then help me get this paperwork done, and then we'll help you with Hitsugaya-Taicho."

Damn, I came here to try to get out of paperwork. Oh well, this was probably going to be entertaining enough to stop me from being bored for months.

I agreed with Nanao's stipulations and the two of us went to go apprehend Kyoraku-Taicho. Unsurprisingly we found him holed up with Ukitake-Taicho having some sake. Neither of them were drunk, which was a good thing. As soon as we walked in they both looked up.

Ukitake spoke first, "Nanao, Matsumoto- this is certainly a surprise. How are you two doing?"

"Just fine, Ukitake-Taicho." Said Nanao, "I'm afraid we need to steal Kyoraku-Taicho though."

Kyoraku stood up, sending me a betrayed look he said, "I was expecting this from my little Nanao, but not from you, Rangikou." He heaved a great sigh, "But what's a man like me to do when two beautiful women come to drag me off?"

"Act less perverted." Muttered Nanao, whacking him over the head with a book, and Ukitake snorted into his sake.

"I assure you we'll make it worth your while." I said, smiling suggestively.

Nanao let out a groan, "Don't say that! You're only encouraging his lewd behaviour."

Kyoraku let out a low sigh, "Ah, my lovely Nanao, I'm hurt that you would say such a thing."

"You know what, never mind. You two are obviously _made _for each other." With that she grabbed both our wrists and stormed out of the room.

"See you later, Juushiro!" called Kyoraku.

Juushiro just took another sip of his sake and waved.

We spent about half an hour doing paperwork, and I explained my plan to the two of them. Both of them agreed to help me, Kyoraku because he thought it would be funny, and Nanao because she wanted to make sure we didn't get ourselves killed.

Eh, I doubted Taicho would go that far. He might stick us in a block of ice, but he wouldn't try to _kill _us.

Hopefully.

I don't want to die.

Eventually we crept back to the tenth division barracks, where I assumed Hitsugaya would be asleep on the couch. He tended to just crash there after he was done his paperwork. We walked in and- of course- there he was. Fast asleep on the couch.

Nanao looked at me nervously, "Erm... Rangikou-san, are you sure it's a good idea to wake your Taicho up from a sound sleep to harass him."

I nodded, "Oh, yeah. I do it all the time."

"No wonder Hitsugaya always looks so tired." she muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering if maybe we should wait until he's awake. He looks exhausted, Rangikou."

I actually felt guilty for a few seconds before Kyoraku said, "My parents woke me up to explain this to me since they didn't want to explain it in front of all my younger siblings. And I don't know if you remember this Nanao-chan, but Lisa woke you up from a nap to explain this to you too."

Nanao shook her head, "I'm still trying to forget that conversation." looking at me she said, "Alright, I won't stop you. I am however, retreating to watch from a safe distance since I'm almost a hundred percent positive Hitsugaya-Taicho is going to explode."

Kyoraku chuckled, "Nanao darling, you worry too much. I'll protect you."

She shook her head, "I'm still retreating. You two have fun."

"Fun?" I said dramatically, "We're doing this at the peril of our own limbs. Of our lives perhaps."

"Sure you are." And with that she was gone.

Turning to Kyoraku I said, "You want to do the honours?"

"You wake him up, I'll be here with a Bakuda in case he tries to run for it. Or if he tries to kill us both." Kyoraku said, "I'm starting to think maybe we should've gotten someone he would feel bad attacking in on this. Like Ukitake, or Hinamori."

"Too late now. We're here. Let's get this over with."

"Get what over with?" asked the unmistakable- if slightly tired sounding- voice of my Taicho.

I gulped, "Well. We thought you might want to know some stuff."

"Like what?" he asked, his voice irritable.

"Well, you're getting to the age, Taicho, where you might be starting to get interested in girls."

"Matsumoto." He grated out. The temperature in the room was dropping steadily, and frost was beginning to form on the windows.

"We didn't _want _to wake you up, really, but we honestly believed you might like to know."

"Just get to the point already."

"Well, sir, when a man loves a woman he-"

I think that was when it clicked in his head, maybe it was just when he woke up, I don't know, but I knew that right at that moment Hitsugaya Toshiro got what I was trying to tell him about.

And he obviously wasn't impressed with me, because I actually started being able to see my breath, and a thicker layer of ice was moving out from the couch he had been sleeping on. "Matsumoto, Kyoraku. If I were you then I would start running if you don't want to become the newest ice statues they put into the Kuchiki's flower gardens.

Damn. He was _pissed._

He stood up and was about to reach for his sword when Kyoraku said, "Bakuda Sixty-One, Rikujukoro." Six beams of light slammed into the Taicho. I hoped they would hold for a really, _really _long time. Looking back in hindsight this may not have been the best plan I ever had in my life.

"Kyoraku, you are a dead man when I get out of here."

"Now, now, Hitsugaya-Taicho. There's no need to get so angry, you're worrying Matsumoto. We're just trying to help, you know."

He didn't answer to that.

"Now, knowing this stuff is actually important for a Taicho. It helps you to understand your squad better."

"Kyoraku, you are aware of the requirements to become a Captain- right?" Hitsugaya asked, his voice icy, Kyoraku nodded, an amused look on his face (probably because no matter how hard he was trying to hide it, Hitsugaya was blushing), "Then you are aware that a basic knowledge of the human body is needed in order to be able to offer medical assistance in the field. I already know what you're trying to teach me."

Kyoraku shook his head, "Ne, Shiro-chan, I don't think you do. Knowing the technical stuff is one thing, knowing the fun stuff is another. Right, Rangikou-San?"

Alright, so I have to admit it, now that I was aware the kido wouldn't break I was less worried and able to have a bit more fun with this than I should. I probably should have attempted to free Hitsugaya now that he knew the basics, but instead I just nodded along with Kyoraku.

"Two things, teme. The first is you are never allowed to call me Shiro-chan. The second is that I cannot believe you are honestly doing this." His voice was that 'I'm embarrassed to the point where I'm furious angry'.

"Ah, but we are. You'll forgive us in the long run." I said innocently, "We really are just trying to help, Taicho."

". . . Sure you are."

Kyoraku clapped his hands together, "Where were we... oh, I remember, the fun stuff! So, the first basic thing you need to know is that there are all sorts of slang terms to everything. Normally with these slang terms you can twist your mind to figure them out. For example, the Zanpakuto and the sheath. In this case, Zanpakuto-"

BANG!

Shit. I spoke too soon with the whole not getting out thing.

Hitsugaya's reiatsu had frozen the kido solid, and then shattered it. "Erm... Kyoraku, do you know any more powerful kido spells?"

I was slowly backing away.

"Not really very many that can be applied to this situation, no."

Kyoraku was backing away too.

There was an ominous screeching noise as Hitsugaya pulled Hyorinmaru out.

Somehow I doubted anymore Zanpakuto and Sheath jokes would help to calm him down right now.

"We might want to start running then." My voice was strained.

"Well now, there's no need to do that yet-" he was cut off by Hitsugaya.

"Reign over the frosted-"

"You know what, never mind. Run!" we bolted out of the office as a giant ice dragon crashed through the wall after us.

"MATSUMOTO! KYORAKU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Shit.

_**Later the next day...**_

He Head Captain for the Soul Society was not in a good. He had long since accepted the fact that most of his commanding officers were- to put it bluntly- batshit crazy. However, there were a handful of people who he could trust to keep their relative cool when working. Hitsugaya was one of those people, so naturally he was a little irritatd when he found out the tiny child Captain had released his sword in his barracks.

Yamamoto paced in front of the three unlucky officers in front of him, "Hitsugaya Taicho, Kyoraku Taicho, Matsumoto Fukutaicho. Is there any particular reason why there is a layer of ice covering half the Tenth Division's barracks, or why there are a couple of walls missing?"

Matsumoto had a bandage on her hand from where she had gotten frostbite. Kyoraku was worse off, having taking an icy blast from Hitsugaya's sword at close range. Hitsugaya himself was fine, if in a great deal of deep shit for releasing Hyorinmaru in his squad barraks.

Kyoraku spoke first, "It was nothing, Yama-jii."

"Nothing my ass." Hitsugaya mumbled under his breath, "They broke into my office, woke me up from a sound sleep, and then bound me with a high level kido spell. All because they had the idiotic delusion that they had to teach me something."

"Teach you what?" Yamamoto's voice was deep and the tone hadn't changed at all from before.

Hitsugaya stuttered a bit, "N-nothing much, sir, just... stuff."

Kyoraku at least had the guts to step in and help out, "We were trying to teach him some stuff about growing up. You know, the birds and the bees. That kind of stuff."

Matsumoto nodded, "We were worried about him. We just didn't expect him to react the way he did, Yamamoto Soutaicho."

"I wouldn't have reacted as badly if you had tried to explain _before _using the kido to hold me down."

Yamamoto actually cast Hitsugaya a sympathetic look, "Hitsugaya Taicho, you are more than capable of getting out of a kido spell without releasing Hyorinmaru. Matsumoto, Kyoraku, next time try talking before you bring out the battle techniques. You are all dismissed, repairs to the damages will come out of your pay. _Just like it always does_."

They couldn't have been positive about it, because it was so very un-Yamamoto like, but they could have sworn they heard him put his head in his hands and mutter, "God. Is there some fault in the academy so that only produces maniacs? First Byakuya attacks the Kurosaki boy, then this, and no doubt I'll have to speak to Kenpachi before the end of the day."

Kyoraku leaned on Matsumoto's shoulder, "Well, no paperwork today. Who wants to go drinking? Hitsugaya?"

". . ."

Kyoraku looked around, "Odd. He's gone. Oh well, coming, Ran-chan?"

Little did Kyoraku know, Hitsugaya had taken the opportunity to use shunpo and get to the barracks to swap the sake with unsavoury concoctions from the Division Twelve barracks.

Ah, revenge was sweet.


End file.
